Be Back Soon!!!

Hi all — I’m so sorry — I had to move twice in 15 days beginning the week after I moved my office.  Things have been a bit crazy at the Parenting Coach’s house!  I will resume the conversation on Old School and New School Parenting very, very soon.

It’s time to be an equal opportunity offender and address the liabilities and benefits of New School Parenting!  And then I promise to propose a third alternative that attempt to glean the best of both worlds while minimizing the liabilities of each.

SEE YOU SOON!!

Old School Parenting: Bane and Blessing pt 5

Recent studies are showing that spanking makes children more violent.  (See http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100412/hl_time/08599198101900) This makes logical sense.  The message conveyed in spanking is this:  If I am stronger than you or dwell in an authority position in your life, I have the right to inflict pain on you as I see fit.  When a child then wants to feel powerful and assert him- or herself, s/he will follow suit and prove supremacy through physical means.

In Roald Dahl’s marvelous children’s fiction book Matilda, the school’s principle Miss Trunchbull stands impressively over the children and asserts that she can do them physical harm because, “I’m big, you’re little!  I’m strong, you’re weak!” Whatever our more sophisticated message as spanking adults may be, trust me, this is the message that spanked children are hearing. We go to great lengths and expense to teach children not to bully.  We then turn around and really, when you break it down, bully them.  We may think of it in more sophisticated terms, but children do not. The conflictual message leaves our children confused.  And can you blame them?

If spanking worked to develop consequential thinking and creative problem solving in this day and age, we would be having an entirely different conversation.  The bottom line is this:  It does not prepare our children for the dynamics they will face.

The alternative is most certainly not to abandon teaching our children boundaries, or letting them run the show as we find in “New School Parenting.”  We need to avoid extremes and find ways to actually teach values.  How do we keep the healthy principles of respect, order and secure boundaries offered by OSP?  Stay tuned as we explore the topic more in my next blog!

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Old School Parenting: Bane and Blessing pt 4

(Kiowa Apache and Lakota story teller Dovie Thomason)

Native American story teller Dovie Thomason goes so far as to say spanking children merely teaches them to be sneaky and avoid being caught.  After working with children with punitively-oriented (v. correctively-oriented) parents in punitively oriented neighborhoods and schools, I must agree.

The adult intention of the punishment would be to “teach a lesson.”  The lesson was often an over-arching principle such as “be thoughtful toward others.”  The children, however, heard a much more immediate and situation-bound message: If I am caught doing x, y or z, I will get in trouble.  They rarely got as far as the grand-scale message.

It was sometimes like pulling teeth to help a child think through behavior choices in the light of what s/he wanted and didn’t want in their live.  We had to first dismantle this huge wall of “What can I get away with” thinking. Do we want our children, as adults, making choices based on what they can get away with, or what they want in their lives?  The training begins now.

Punitive v. corrective discipline also chokes out creativity.  The children I have worked with in this environment have literally been afraid to be creative!  I would ask them to draw something – a tree, a dog, a house – nearly all of them told me at first that they couldn’t because they didn’t know how to do it “right.”  In their minds, adults are always looking for the “right” response and the consequence of getting it “wrong” is punishment.  Innovation and solutions happen in our society when people are free to think and problem-solve creatively.  A child that is afraid to think creatively out of fear of punishment cannot offer the gift of his/her innovation. I can’t help but to wonder how many truly fine innovations have been withheld from our society because those who carry the seeds are too inhibited to offer them.

Children who learn to make choices based on what they actually do and don’t want in their lives approach their future very differently from those who merely seek to avoid punishment.  Punishment avoiders will do only as much work as is necessary to avoid pain.  Those children who are free to think creatively and have a sense of choice over their destinies are motivated to actually learn, grow and synthesize their knowledge in innovative ways.

Think about this:  When your child is 30 and falls short of the mark on his/her job, is the fear that the boss will hit him/her?  Unless that person really likes lawsuits and jail time, no. What will best serve your grown child at that point:  Changing behavior out of fear of punishment, or changing behavior because s/he is motivated to excel?  Which employee is more likely to get the promotion?

Stay tuned for my next blog on the bullying messages received by children who are spanked.

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Old School Parenting: Bane and Blessing pt 3

“I got spanked and whooped as a child.  Now as an adult I’m grateful that my parents didn’t let me run loose in the streets.  I think I turned out pretty good!”

Some years ago, I went through parenting classes as part of my training to become a certified foster parent in Washington, DC. My colleagues in that class were some truly amazing people. The majority of those participating were grandparents, (and even one great grandparent,) who were training to be qualified to do what is called “kinship care” for members of their family who were unable to remain with their biological parents. They were OSP (Old School Parenting,) parents, and they were raised by OSP parents.  The quotes above came from them when we hit this section of our coursework.

Our teacher was a middle aged Social Worker, originally from Jamaica.  She had been raised in a strict OSP environment. She re-iterated that striking a child in any form or fashion in the foster care system could and would result in immediate removal of the child and felony charges leveled against the offending adult.  It is illegal. That being the case, our teacher challenged the class with this one simple yet poignant question:

“Was it the spanking that got your attention?  Or was it the fact that your parent cared enough about you to correct your behavior that got your attention?”

To a person, each classmate eventually conceded that they had interpreted their spankings as love because they knew that their parents cared enough to keep them from falling out of line.  It was not the beating itself.

Did OSP corporal punishment work at one point in time in our society?  Perhaps, on one level. Does it work now?  Most emphatically I must assert, no. This is a different day and age.  The world our children will face as adults is very different from the one we are facing, which is dramatically different from the world of their parents. Our culture is changing in rapid-fire fashion, accelerated exponentially by technology.

Stay tuned to this spot for more on the unintended consequences of spanking, and as always, I want to hear your feedback!

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Old School Parenting: Bane and Blessing pt 2

Returning to the questions in my last blog: What do I do with these Judeo-Christian proverbs that ring in my head?  And, am I a bad parent if I did not believe in corporal punishment as a last resort?

Dusting off my Bible School education and my graduate studies in Pastoral Counseling, I began to take a deeper look at one pivotal proverb that OSP, (Old School Parenting,) parents frequently used to justify spanking: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him,” (Proverbs 13:24.) Whether one comes to this conversation from a religious perspective or not, I think this verse is very useful as we look at the merits of OSP.

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

Proverbs 13:24

The “rod” analogy used here comes from shepherding. A shepherd uses his rod to gently nudge sheep in order to keep them on track.  The frontal lobe discernment centers that I have described in previous blogs as pruning away in human people’s adolescent years does not exist in the brain of a sheep.  Much like middle schoolers, they just don’t have the goods, and therefore, need to be nudged away from dangers like ditches and cliffs.

In the time of the writing of this proverb, sheep were raised for their wool and for food. No shepherd in his right mind would use his rod to strike his sheep. Hitting sheep causes central nervous system overwhelm.  The creature would be flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, weakening the animals system and damaging their quality both as food and as wool producers.  (Stressed sheep produce low quality wool.)  Just as shepherding dogs are trained not to bite the flock, but rather, to come alongside and steer the flock in a certain direction, the shepherd’s rod is used to create a safe boundary for the intellectually challenged sheep.  There is no striking of the animal involved.

I can only assume uninformed folklore evolved into the idea that this verse means we should spank our children.  I appreciate the admonishment to be careful to discipline my child and to provide her with safe boundaries, avoiding dangerous pitfalls. I’ll take that money and run. OSP parents, in my opinion, are right on the money when it comes to paying close attention to our children’s behavior and being intentional about serving as confident-enough guides in the often confusing business of growing up.

However, corporeal punishment sets relationship landmines for our children and for the parent-child relationship that are, in my mind, much too costly. In my next blog, I will explore the destructive  messages that corporeal punishment sows into the fabric of our families, and then discuss some alternative ways to employ the positive benefits of OSP parenting. Coming soon to a blog near you!

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Old School Parenting: Bane and Blessing, part 1

First of all, please accept my apologies for the delay in posting this blog.  I’m in the midst of a few transitions at work and home. Keeping my own parenting priorities, this has had to wait.  Thanks for understanding.

Opponents of Old School Parenting, (hereafter “OSP,”) often have a bad habit of lumping OSP discipline with capricious abuse.  I do not know any reasonably sane parents in either camp who advocate beating their children for the sake of beating them. What I will be discussing today is not beating children, but rather, spanking.

For several decades now, I have listened to OSP parents tell me that there are times when spanking is simply the only way they can adequately establish a boundary with their children. I often hear the Judeo-Christian proverb, “Spare the rod and spoil the child” tossed around.  I never really thought about what that meant until I became a parent and my child came to an age where I would have to make an active decision about spanking.

I have “spanked” my child exactly once, and I think it was a highly educational experience for both of us. She was about two years old, and was persisting in a certain behavior that was unacceptable.  I tried taking away several things to try and stop the behavior and nothing worked.  Finally I told her that I would spank her if she persisted.  She persisted.  I asked her if she knew what spanking was.  I described it.  She persisted.  I gave her one last chance… Yup.  She persisted.  I looked her in the eye and said, “I really wish you hadn’t chosen a spanking,” and I swatted her behind (rather wimpily, I have to admit,) with my open hand.

You should have seen the look on her face! In fact, I seriously wish I had a picture of it.  Her look of indignity and shock was stark. She swatted me back in response and ran out of the kitchen into her room crying. I had to crack up at the swat-back.  I know some parents would get into a wad over that as a sign of disrespect, but her non-verbal message was very clear:  “How dare you violate my person in that way!!”  I admired both her clarity and her chutzpah.

OSP parents would say to me that it is my right to violate her physical boundaries because I am her mother and it is my job to “train her up in the way that she should go” so that “when she is old she will not depart from it,” (another well-worn Judeo-Christian proverb.) But something deep within both she and I disagreed.

I had to figure out what it was.  She wasn’t hardly verbal enough to say what I read in her face, but the question daunted me.  “Who did I think I was, and what did I just set up in her?” Is it true that people who have physical power or authority over us have free reign to determine how our bodies will be touched?   That became a truly frightening thought as I considered her future.  As an employee, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a wife – did those who would be physically stronger than her or in authority positions have a right to touch her body when and where they wanted to without her consent? Is that a message I wanted to convey?

And what of these proverbs that rang in my head?  Was I a bad parent if I did not believe in corporal punishment as a last resort? Stay tuned for my next blog to find out!

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Discipline Part One: Old and New School Parenting, and Then Some

In my clinical practice as well as in my social circles, I have been listening to the perpetual debate between “old school parenting” and “new school parenting” particularly as regards error correction methods. It seems that each side has a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  I will now take a dive for that slippery, soapy baby…

There are a myriad of culture-bound reasons why people advocate and practice their chosen method of discipline.  Culture-bound principles definitely have their place, but they also need to be re-examined for enduring validity on an on-going basis. We need to be certain that we remain conscious and aware parents, choosing what makes sense for our particular children in our current time period, and not using this issue to assert our identity.

For the sake of full disclosure I feel I should mention that I was raised with hands-off New School parenting, while the majority of my friends and non-related loved ones were raised with Old School parenting.  I advocate neither.  And both. 

Old School parenting is punitive in nature. It seeks to correct infractions by making a clear and indelible mark for authority.  That mark sometimes, (though certainly not always,) happens across one’s bottom. The message is clear:  If you step out of line, you will feel enough pain to keep you from stepping there again.

New School parenting is a reaction to Old School parenting. Something deep within told many parents that the spanking thing was wrong.  Some were abused, or felt bullied by parents who practiced corporal punishment. These experiences led to reactive under-intervention, assigning some consequences, but typically not ones with enough relevant meaning to have positive impact on the child.

Both have serious flaws, and important positives. In my next three blogs I will cover the merits and liabilities of each, and then propose an alternative approach that honors the best of both while substantially diminishing their draw backs.

Next blog: Old School Parenting – Bane and Blessing.

Upcoming: New School Parenting – Bane and Blessing, and The Fast Forward Method/Consequential Parenting

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com. 

Your positive future begins today!)

Ya Gotta Love a Strong Willed Child – Part 4c: The Conversation

Last week we talked about not having a negotiation until both parties are receptive.  You both need to be able to both listen and speak. Once you have gotten your child’s attention, and once you are calm enough to pull the conversation off without reactivity on your part, focus on asking questions.  Hold the outcome of the situation with an open hand:  It genuinely is not yours to control.  You are only one part of the equation here.  Your goal at this point is to help your child think through his/her choices consequentially, (which is one of the reasons your disciplinary measures are also consequential v. punitive, which I will cover in my next blog.)

A special word to you highly-verbal types of parents who talk more when they’re upset:  Less is more.  If you do not economize your words you will begin to sound just like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons – “Mwahhwahh wahh wahwahh wahh mwahhhuuhhh wmwwaahhhhuuhhh…”  Ironically, if you want to be heard, you have to say less.  Make what you say count.  Don’t process your thoughts out loud too much or dialogue will turn monologue and the teachable moment will disappear as fast as tax money out of a paycheck.

Another very important piece… look your child in the eye.  Or at least, try to.  S/he may not let you, but be persistent.  It takes the conversation to a whole new level of candor and connection.  … Which is exactly why we tend to look away unless we are enraged.  Don’t be afraid of the feelings that stir up when you connect eye to eye.  They are giving you important data that you need in order to do this process well.

We now return to our conflict with the sausage casing-wrapped teenager, already in progress… (See the previous blog.) I’m going to use this situation as an example, but this approach works in nearly every scenario at nearly every age, as long as you tailor the conversation to the child, the age and the scenario.

• Focus on asking questions instead of making demands and “instructing.”

Keep your panic in check!  With our sausage casing-wrapped child, ask her about what she thinks males who see her will be thinking.  If she’s normal, she will like the attention.  However, if she is like most 14 year old girls, she will mistakenly assume that these males are validating and appreciating her as a person.  You will need to fill in the blanks on natural and automatic body responses, and how biochemistry has nothing to do with her value as a human being.  Ask her about her gifts and skills and what kind of a difference she makes in the world.  Ask her, (with a tone of genuine curiosity and without judgment,) if dressing like that and being perceived that way adds to or detracts from what she offers the world.  See if you can compromise, keeping some aspects of her personal style while altering the parts with which you have a problem.

• Affirm whatever you possibly can.

• Stay out of “all or none” territory.

Be open and check your assumptions/cultural world view.  Ask yourself how much of your reaction is about her, and how much is old baggage that belongs to you.  Respond out of the part that is about her, and work your baggage some other time.

• Help your child think through both positive and negative consequences of his or her choices.

Talking this way with your child is the difference between feeding someone fish and teaching someone how to fish.  Our job is to equip our children to manage the world without our help. Working through negotiable and non-negotiable situations is a great way to do that!

Stay tuned for the next Parenting Coach blog:  Consequential v. punitive parenting — Living the best of both worlds between “old school” and “new school” parenting!

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Ya Gotta Love a Strong Willed Child – Part 4b: The Art of Negotiation (Setting the Mood)

In the last Parenting Coach blog, we talked about navigating negotiable and non-negotiable conflicts with our kids.  Today, let’s look in more detail at ways to approach that conversation. We must begin with a conducive atmosphere.

You will be much more effective in the conversation asking questions than you would be making demands, especially when the choices your child is making disturb you.  You must first get yourself back in the center. (See previous blogs for body techniques to assist you.)  Do not have this conversation when you are in reaction-mode if at all possible. Reacting now will compromise your ability to skillfully negotiate in this and other matters down the road.

Say for instance that your precious little 14 year old angel daughter comes down the stairs and tries to head out the door in something that closely resembles a prostitute wrapped in sausage casings.  Your mind is flooded with horrific visions of what might happen to her and how people will view her/treat her.  You could go ballistic and scream at her to go change immediately.  That’s a terrific way to invite a power struggle that will most likely result in her sneaking behind your back and withholding vital information about her life to you.  But hey, you’d look like a “strong parent,” and you’d get your way.  That’s all that matters, right?

Remember when I wrote that if your goal is to control your child you have lost the battle before it’s begun?  This is exactly what I was referring to. You may effectively control what your daughter wears outside, but have you helped her learn how to think through her choices in a way that will serve her for the rest of her life?

What if, instead, you let her know that you need to have a conversation about her clothing before she opens the door, regardless of who’s waiting for her or how late she might be.  This conversation is much more important.

If she balks, (after all, what could be more important than going out with friends?) keep assigning consequences until you have her cooperation, calmly, without apology.  You are the big dog, remember? You have nothing to prove. Make sure she recognizes that she is choosing her consequences.

It might go a little bit like this: (In a calm, matter of fact tone,) “Sweetpea, you have two options, you can sit down and listen now, or you can go to your room instead of out with your friends and then have this conversation later.  The choice is yours. If you want to negotiate, you have to calm down.  Otherwise, I’ll just keep tacking on time in 10 minute intervals.  What do you choose?” (Key words.) At that point, if she keeps going, just sigh, look down at your watch and keep reporting the total amount of time she will spend in isolation.  (Or whatever consequence you choose.)  For example:

Child: BLAH! BLAH! WHINE WHINE!

You: (low, even voice) 20

Child: BLAH! BLAH! WHINE WHINE! You’re the worst parent in the world! BLAH BLAH WHINE!

You: (low, even voice, yawning with boredom over her antics) 30…

Child: BLAH! BLAH! WHINE WHINE! I hate you I hate you I hate you! BLAH BLAH WHINE!

You: (low, even voice) I’m sorry… (leaning forward as if straining to hear,) I can’t hear you.  You’re talking too loudly… You know I can’t hear you when you yell. 40…

Eventually, they figure out that they’ll get what they want when they comply.

In the next blog I will cover the conversation you will have once your child is ready to receive it.  Do adjust the time period reasonably according to your child’s age. You might want to go up by 2-5 minutes for a beanie person, and perhaps as much as ½ hours with a teenager.  You know your child.  Be sure to make it something that will work for both of you.

Listen to your body. If your blood pressure is rising along with your voice and your throat feels tight, you are off center and not ready to talk.  You can defer the conversation simply because you are not ready.  This is good modeling.

In the next blog we’ll discuss what the negotiations will sound like once both parties are ready.

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)

Ya Gotta Love a Strong Willed Child – Part 4a: The Art of Negotiation

It helps quite a lot to have a clear sense of which things are negotiable and which are not. When our kids are younger, we have a lot more control over things like how they dress, what they listen to and watch, who their friends are, how their day is ordered, etc.  However, as they grow, we have to learn to let go of those things.  Negotiation of privileges and responsibilities is a fabulous training ground to help prepare them to take flight.

We have to ask ourselves over and over again if we are drawing a line for our kids out of our preference, or out of an important principle that cannot be compromised. When it is out of preference, we have a perfect opportunity to help our kids learn how to negotiate.  At the same time, we are learning to let go of our preconceived notions of who are children “should” be.

What color your child’s hair is, how s/he dresses, how s/he spends his/her down time… these sorts of things often have one foot in negotiable territory and one in non-negotiable territory.  Your child might choose fuscia, bed-head hair and provocative clothing for a summer job interview.  If the job interview is at a law firm, you will have one conversation.  If it’s at a teen-oriented retail music store, that look might just get her/him the job!  I’ll walk through more specifics on negotiating negotiables next week.  The key point for now is that we need to be open-hearted and listen to our kids’ perspectives, without yielding on things that are not just about our personal preferences.

When the line is drawn where it is out of a non-negotiable principle, you must stand firm in spite of reactions, histrionics, threats or whatever else your child may throw at you in an attempt to get what s/he wants.  You cannot gauge your efficacy by your child’s reaction in the moment.  They are going to have reactions.  Your job is to help them learn how to manage their reactions in a way that works for them and not against them, and to express their reactions in a form that is acceptable in the economy of your particular family.

You will likely find that more often than not, your child has input into a decision that can be factored in well, delivering you to a course of action that works for both of you.  Having input empowers your child. At the same time, maintaining your non-negotiables gives your child a good sense of boundaries and helps him/her learn to deal with frustration, dissatisfaction, anger, sadness, or whatever else comes up in response to the non-negotiable. 

If you frequently consider your child’s perspective where you intended to draw a line, you can say with impunity:

“Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not.”

Never forget:  You are not raising a child, unless you want him/her to always be a child.  You are raising an adult.  In the adult world, we negotiate for our needs all the time. This is your child’s opportunity to practice with a coach who is intimately invested in his/her positive success! Repeat after me:  “Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not… Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not… Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not… Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not… Lots of situations are negotiable.  This one is not…”

You can do it!! Stayed tuned for next week’s installment for specifics on negotiations with your child.

(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com.  Your positive future begins today!)