(Kiowa Apache and Lakota story teller Dovie Thomason)
Native American story teller Dovie Thomason goes so far as to say spanking children merely teaches them to be sneaky and avoid being caught. After working with children with punitively-oriented (v. correctively-oriented) parents in punitively oriented neighborhoods and schools, I must agree.
The adult intention of the punishment would be to “teach a lesson.” The lesson was often an over-arching principle such as “be thoughtful toward others.” The children, however, heard a much more immediate and situation-bound message: If I am caught doing x, y or z, I will get in trouble. They rarely got as far as the grand-scale message.
It was sometimes like pulling teeth to help a child think through behavior choices in the light of what s/he wanted and didn’t want in their live. We had to first dismantle this huge wall of “What can I get away with” thinking. Do we want our children, as adults, making choices based on what they can get away with, or what they want in their lives? The training begins now.
Punitive v. corrective discipline also chokes out creativity. The children I have worked with in this environment have literally been afraid to be creative! I would ask them to draw something – a tree, a dog, a house – nearly all of them told me at first that they couldn’t because they didn’t know how to do it “right.” In their minds, adults are always looking for the “right” response and the consequence of getting it “wrong” is punishment. Innovation and solutions happen in our society when people are free to think and problem-solve creatively. A child that is afraid to think creatively out of fear of punishment cannot offer the gift of his/her innovation. I can’t help but to wonder how many truly fine innovations have been withheld from our society because those who carry the seeds are too inhibited to offer them.
Children who learn to make choices based on what they actually do and don’t want in their lives approach their future very differently from those who merely seek to avoid punishment. Punishment avoiders will do only as much work as is necessary to avoid pain. Those children who are free to think creatively and have a sense of choice over their destinies are motivated to actually learn, grow and synthesize their knowledge in innovative ways.
Think about this: When your child is 30 and falls short of the mark on his/her job, is the fear that the boss will hit him/her? Unless that person really likes lawsuits and jail time, no. What will best serve your grown child at that point: Changing behavior out of fear of punishment, or changing behavior because s/he is motivated to excel? Which employee is more likely to get the promotion?
Stay tuned for my next blog on the bullying messages received by children who are spanked.
(For additional support, see www.cckidz.com. Your positive future begins today!)
Tags: adolescent, adolescent rebellion, adolescents, childhod, childhood depression, conflict, correction, development, discernment, discipline, family, frustration, grow, growing up, harmony, kids, love, parenting, parenting support, punishment, raising children, respect, teens, thoughtfulness
